Standing alone with my hopes, dreams and fears

This is my first blog and I'm not even sure if I will share this with anyone but I just need to say what I need to say...even if it's just to my computer.

Even before my husband deployed, once I found out he was deploying, from that moment I already felt like I was standing alone. You don't want to tell your husband that the reason why you have to make his favorite meals everyday or go to all the movies he wants to see is because you're afraid. You're afraid that he just might not make it back, he just might not make it past the age of 24 and he'll never have cheesecake cookies anymore, or get to watch ninja movies ever again. Before he left I could feel it consuming me. This desire. I knew I could never forgive myself if I couldn't make those cookies. You know I even had a breakdown when we almost didn't make it to the commissary before he left so I could make those cookies.

I already felt alone before he left because I didn't want to burden him with my worries about my own hopes, dreams and fears for myself. I was frustrated. I am frustrated with where my life is right now. I am an unemployed college graduate and I can't find a job. And the one person I want to share these thoughts with, I can't. That person is deployed right now and I can't bear the thought of complaining about my life while he is fighting for his country, his men, his life.

So where does this leave me? Standing alone before and standing alone during deployment with my hopes, dreams and fears. I can only wonder if I will always be left standing alone.

Everday I can tell people are just trying to say or do the right thing, my family, his family, our friends, strangers, neighbors, other spouses whose husbands are deployed. I tell my mom that I at times I don't want to hear that I'm strong, I don't want to hear that it'll be over sooner than I realize or that it's more difficult because it's just our first deployment. I want to be able to cry, I want to be able to say that this sucks, and to validate how I'm feeling. I don't need the politically correct comments. Validation is what I need. Validation for my grief. Validation for my selfish thoughts and needs. Validation for the desire to have my husband home with me and not in Iraq. I need someone, somewhere to agree with my fear that I may never hold my husbands hand, or kiss his dimple or feel his arms around me ever again and that it's okay to feel that. But who? My family? Certainly not. I don't want to worry them. His family? Most definitely not either... I'm sure they are dealing with their own fears. Then who? Friends? They don't truly want that burden. And above all, definitely not my own husband...listening to my pain is the last thing he needs right now.

So then who? Don't tell me that I'm strong. I know that I am. Every morning I wake up, my heart breaks and I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces back together again. Don't tell me that it'll be over soon because it won't. Every moment will be agonizingly slow and when he does come home it could not have been any sooner. Don't tell me next time will be eaiser. You know you're lying to yourself on some level if it has gotten easier. So thus far....no dice on my quest for validation and every day I put on my best happy face and follow through the motions of life.

So yes, I am feeling sorry for myself, and this too will pass, I'm sure but I know someone out there in life has felt this way. To be alone is the greatest fear of many. It is truly laughing and smiling at something but feeling that you would laugh harder or smile brighter if...